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Jowell Skiffington

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I'm back [Sep. 28th, 2008|04:16 pm]
Jowell Skiffington
My friend Wileena started posting again so I'm going to make a come back and start posting all the tepid details of my last bowl of cereal and/or my last phone call. Obviously, this type of brilliance can't go overlooked and quite frankly, it would be a damn shame if I wasn't able to tell you all the crazy happenings of the last three years. That's like 1095 days of phone calls from my friends that I need to relay (hi yall, kisses *smooch smooch*) so maybe we can start this one day at a time.

Thomas and I are no longer an item unfortunately. Even worse still, I married Trent and he now owns a failing hardware store. He keeps telling me he's a good business man but from what I can tell, he's just the same loser he always was. It feels nice to vent on here, getting out all these feelings.

I know you may be asking yourself why would I marry him if I hated him so much. Well shut up for a second and I'll tell you. After high school my parents kicked me out, quoting some garbage about responsibility and honor and such. But I told them, how can I pay for my cell phone if I'm on the street? Anyways, Trent let me stay in his crappy apartment for sexual favors and well, one thing turned into another and now I'm trapped here, of all places. I've done alot of growing up in the last few years and my myspace quiz profiles proves it.

I'm going to go right now as I hear my warden pulling up in his Neon, maybe this is the beginning of the end. Suicide always seemed like a losers way out before but now I understand why those terrible pieces of garbage thought about it before. Toodles!
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It's been a long god damn while ... [Aug. 13th, 2005|09:33 am]
Jowell Skiffington
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |"Time to move on but not in a NIN way" by "The Movers and Shakers"]

Trent here, bitching like preusuals dawg. Jowell and Thomas are dead I'm afraid. Had to whoop them up on the ol' one two one two. You know what I mean, had to clean their pipes. Had to ruffle their whistles. Had to wet their feathers and all that jazzy shnazzy nazi bullscrap. Note to the ho's at home; that is bull scrap, not bulls crap and I will kill anyone who says otherwise, like seriously. Strangest thing happened the other day. I had a dream that I was talking to an old friend but the insane imagery suggested that he was being transformed into this two headed hammy ham beast.

For one who used to speak highly of loyalties and values, he certainly shed his skin when the time was right, forsaking all (yes all) those around him, claiming to be selfless in the process when the whole drive behind said action was selfish pride, an ego rising from the ashes the moment it got stroked enough to his liking.

For one who spoke against judgement, he was quick to throw it back in people's faces when forced to reconcile with the fact that his transformation was wholly unfounded, as baseless as the entity he chose to merge with, hounded by it's coalescent nature.

For one who spoke of objectivity and represented an air of intellect, he now makes arguments based on limited views of his own experiences, unwilling to accept that their joint knowledge may be nothing in what is even a relative notion of whole.

I guess we're all desperate seekers so if you found something that makes you that happy, even at said costs, I can't say I'm unhappy for you. Delusions aside however, the bridge was burnt from your side. Good luck finding what you seek because everyone but you knows you haven't found it yet.

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I have nothing against retards ... [Nov. 28th, 2004|05:14 am]
Jowell Skiffington
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |A Band I Wish Existed - Fuck You Retards]

I really don't, I mean, one is running our country at the moment so in the end, this is all fine and good, but when one ruins a comprehensive save that had a lot of time put into it, it helps push the whole "get the fuck out you stupid fucking idiot, you're everything that makes this world shit" speech.The last thing I want to come home to after serving retards is more fucking retards ruining shit of mine. On one hand, it's just a video game but on the other hand, they're only human beings with IQ's less than 80. Harmless?

Update: Found the demon who did it and I promptly knee'd him right in the toofas.
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Something funny about hydras ... [Nov. 13th, 2004|04:08 am]
Jowell Skiffington
\Hy"dra\, n.; pl. E. Hydras, L. Hydr[ae]. [L. hydra, Gr. "y`dra; akin to "y`dwr water. See Otter the animal, Water.] 1. (Class. Myth.) A serpent or monster in the lake or marsh of Lerna, in the Peloponnesus, represented as having many heads, one of which, when cut off, was immediately succeeded by two others, unless the wound was cauterized. It was slain by Hercules. Hence, a terrible monster.

Greeks were such a sucker for symbolism. I swear. A conglomeration of parties that when assaulted, retaliates by growing even more possibilities of assault. Does that sound like any number of people you've ever been exposed to?

I was once privy to this beast and let me tell you, it's quite the story. We used to be friends you see. Well, not with ALL of the heads. Wasn't a big fan of the "devout christian" head and the "Pay attention to me constantly head"? forget about it but you see, to have conversations with the other heads, I had to kind of accept the others you see. For the sake of conversation, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make on my character, as to not cause any wounds.

It's not so much that I disliked them but they weren't the easiest to get along with. "Reason" and "Logic" had quite a few good points back in the day, even with it's laced christianity but nothing lasts forever I'm told.

The whole body started acting against me to my surprise. So I did what any stalwart warrior would do. I pulled out my blade of objectivity to trim the beast down to size, thinking it would act as a cauter but I don't think I could have been prepared for what happened.

The beast snarled at me, whipped it's tail around and knocked me unconcious. When I came to, the head that I had severed was still gone. However, the heads had started attacking each other, ripping their necks open one by one. Truly a gruesome sight, seeing "Reason"  turn into "Fundamentalism" and "Delusion", "Compassion" turn into "Cruelty" and "Irrationality"

At this point, I started to laugh. The hydra then assumed I was mocking it's new found union and ran off. I still hear news stories about it's rampaging every now and then. Is their whole course of action led by my swift blow? The letters from it sure seem to think so.

I hear that even to this day, they tear each other to shreds, fooling others into attacking them sometimes when they're bored to add to it's already staggering amount of cakeholes but really, when you guys go to the hell you so desperately long to steer clear of, the fire (because fire does exist in hell but man, they need ALOT of oxygen tanks) is going to do a number to all those heads you've accrued and then what?


p.s. If any hydras are offended by this, I'm really sorry you guys, I mean, you're fucking hydras for christ sake! Most hydras have lj's anyways so just whine and mock it there.  Oh and for the cyclops, you shut your damn mouth holes or I'm tar poling your fucking eye.
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So get this ... [Aug. 21st, 2004|08:16 pm]
Jowell Skiffington
This is my final offer Target. I figure, you have given millions of dollars back to various communities and serial killer communes every week, you can at least meet my demands as they are logical and beyond and any shadow of a doubt, reasonable. Alright, I figure "You missed one week" so what, just make up for it next week with a German, Swahili and Japanese tardo harem and I'll call everything square alright? You can contact me on my new Hollywood brand cell phone at 555-555-1212, thanks alot sirs and mayhaps even madams.
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It isn't fair ... [Aug. 21st, 2004|07:28 pm]
Jowell Skiffington
Man, I just came back from Target and I'm feeling a little down. I don't know man, I mean. When I walked in, I fully expected to be greeted by the typical mentally challenged greeter. Why then was I not greeted by a single soul? This week, I was TOTALLY expecting an asian one man, those are the goofiest. But whatever, if I can't feel better about myself, how does society expect me to live long enough to serve the masses? It makes no god damn sense. That's the reason Target hires re-re's as their greeting party, right?
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(no subject) [Aug. 20th, 2004|03:51 am]
Jowell Skiffington
[music |Lacuna Coil - Self Deception]

Something occured to me the other day. Get this cool cats. Hookers offer various sexual favors in exchange for currency of the nation they're offering services in.

This has all come about after about 2 months of research on the matter and quite frankly, I'm tired of these so called harlots getting benefits that good, common, decent folk like myself can't enjoy.

I mean cripes o' matic. Did you know that these foul egg sacks get anywhere from 25-1000 dollars for a blowjob! I mean seriously folks. All I got when I gave blowjobs to my local priest was a candy bar and a switch to flagellate myself with. Now that's a day's work for a day's wage., or as my father said "If you don't pay taxes, ya don't owe shit". Sadly he was gunned down by the IRS two minutes after he spat that nugget of wisdom.

If you folks have any knowledge to impart about said subject, please feel free to do so as ANY info will help on ridding the world of this scourge.
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Just getting ready for work ... [Aug. 19th, 2004|06:06 pm]
Jowell Skiffington
[music |Velvet Acid Christ - Pretty Toy]

and I realized something! Eureka I thought to myself ... well not really, that would make me a proponent of devilrish faggotry and being from the south, we don't like queerzos down here. So back to the point, I was on a morning stroll when I saw a hooker. She was a beautiful lass and well, to get matters going, I stabbed her eyeball with a crude stick that I dipped in lemon juice for my daily regiment of lemon/eye juice. So she was all still and such, I assume because she was dead but no one can be sure nowadays and it struck me. It took me all of 7 minutes and 47 seconds to fully accomplish this act and yet I get paid 7.16 an hour to sell my soul. I think we're on to a new business model here.

All I have to do is start a hooker killing business and as I become more proficient, I'll be able to hook at least 12 hookers an hour. After I hire a dependable crew of scallywags, I figure we'll be like, what? 107 years away from a hooker free world, taking into account the death/birth rate, psychological approximation read outs of the baby to hooker transition ratio and the wind chill factor. Alright you got me, I guess it only comes down to wind chill factor like everything else but I digress.

The point? Never trust channel 5 read outs on wind chill factors because like, they lied to me and it cost me the heads of at least 3 and a half hookers today. Anyways, off to lunch with Heidi Fleiss.
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Ever get that feeling ... [Aug. 19th, 2004|06:50 am]
Jowell Skiffington
[mood |touchedtouched]
[music |Secret Chiefs 3 - the 3]

That your life is slipping away? I don't because I already have Parkinson's and I'm starring in Teen Wolf.

- Isolatee
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Like the late Rev OJ Simpson ... [Aug. 19th, 2004|06:44 am]
Jowell Skiffington
[music |Lacuna Coil - Comalies]

  I'm as prolific as one gets. Give me a cheating wife, a glove, a white bronco and a mad bag o' moneyz, and I'll give you the trial of the century. When life gives you lemons, make eyeball lemonade is how the ol quote goes and by golly, I'm going to try my best to abide by all interpretations of the word.

  Today is starting off pretty normal. Just hanging out in my lush crib, or pad, or bonehouse or whatever you want to refer to your living quarters as, listening to a intense round of NPR when all of a sudden, it struck me! NPR is for Martha Stewart acolytes and homosexibles. So I continued listening considering I can't get enough of M.S.. Her sheet layouts are just so keen and distinguished and well, her insider stock info helps keep me on top of things. "Make free money and dodge taxes" was my dad's motto and even though he died at the hands of Captain Blackbeard(owner of the gay bar "Thar he blows") he was still a good man. Not the land lubber those flamboyant pirates tried to tell me he was. Alas, a pirates life is not for me.

  Speaking of pirates, I decided in the course of 13 seconds that I'm going to be one. I was playing Yohoho puzzle pirates and you know what? I rock at swindling and downright swashbuckling and if all I have to do to beat someone up with a sword is play them at puzzle fighter, then I take back all previous notions stated about pirates. Seriously, I can smell the booty on the open seas already ...

  I'm back from being a pirate, I'm level like, 2000 now and I kind of rule. My swashbuckerness skill is at 800 and well, let's just call me the Cary Elwes version of Rico Suave, k? Anyways, I'm off to get more numbers for my full, rich life that is in no way monotonous. No sir, not repetetive in the least. Sir, this life, right here. FULL! Not an empty shallow husk of what may resemble one of those old Thanksgiving cornucopia's but with no fruits and breads inside of it. THAT WOULD BE A FUCKING SHAME.

p.s. By the way, I just hit level 2001 and well, I just got a new perk, KAMA SUTRA so if any ladies or any guys who resemble Bea Arthur want to hook up, give me a message. My aim is "FUCKINGHOTSEXYPIRATEMANWOMANCHILDBABYWHATEVER2004" and well, I'll show you how to plunder some mad loot.
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